Wednesday, September 30, 2009


[For the record, I am at a point in my life where babies are cute, but one better not be coming out from me anytime soon. However, the prospect of children is fairly tempting when I think of fun ways I could mold the little humans. Most of these parenting techniques are probably illegal, which is why they stay on the internet and not in practice. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the first installment, undoubtedly of many, of How I'm Going to Eff With My Future Offspring.]

When I have my first baby, I plan on creating a soundless world. That is, aside from the hospital, I will rid our environment of sound entirely. We will not speak, television will be watched on mute, and baby will not leave the house. Given the difficulty of muting ones world, I only intend to keep this up for about 2 weeks, and then, one day, when my baby is awake and in a seemingly good mood, I am going to smile, look it straight in the eyes, and yell BOO! If all goes as plan, this will spark a brriiiillliiannt reaction. Baby surprise faces are funny! We've all seen a baby eat a lemon or something for the first time, and watched the silly faces they make! Imagine something of this scale! Maybe I'll feed it a lemon right before, and then as it takes in the taste, yell "LEMON!". That would be a double whammy of hilarity. That infant will NOT see that coming!

*All of this will be recorded, of course, and placed on the internet, making my child a viral star and inevitably appearing on such shows as Ellen and Oprah...perhaps Dr. Oz if the ears don't react well to the surprise. Anyways, point being, the experiment with turn into a cash cow, and my child's college will be paid for by it, and the kid'll forget it by the time it learns to talk. Winwinwin.

This has been the first installment of How I'm Going to Eff With my Future Offspring.
You're welcome.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Prospective Students

College is calling your mother to ask if 2 cupcakes counts as a meal.
To determine whether or not you can take a vitamin that should be taken with a meal.

Monday, September 21, 2009


So a couple of weeks ago Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream announced they would be changing the name of one of their most popular flavors, to support gay marriage rights in America. This is what they changed "Chubby Hubby" to:
Very cute. But my brain has a problem with staying caught up with my eyes, because when I read that Chubby Hubby had been changed for gay rights, and I scrolled down to see the above photo, my eyes saw this: an inappropriate, but technically still applicable new flavor:

Surely I cannot be the only one who saw that! I can't decide if I'm going to hell or if I should start awaiting royalty checks from Ben and Jerry for kickstarting their new X rated line. God knows I could come up with more in no time.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A for Affort

Hey, IMDB, when you do your daily movie quote trivia, you may want to avoid quoting a character whose name is in the title of the film, it just makes it too easy:

Because, you see, now I know the answer's either "Finding Forrester" or "Forrester Gump".

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I Can Do Redundant All By Myself.

Dear Tyler Perry,
Because you can play multiple characters in a movie very well. Because you are richer that Jesus (don't get pissy, there are more than 1 Jesui in the world, it's a very common name in Mexico, I just don't know the kid's last name). Because I can tell the difference between any two of your movies trailers at any given time. And because you're probably hankering for an artistic workout: I have a challenge for you.

The next project you produce (which'll likely consist of Medea some other characters whose names you forgot because they aren't "Tyler Perry") should be solely you. What I mean is that, you should do all the jobs on the film. I know that sounds grueling, but, baby, you're strong! You are to be all the actors, the director, the gaffer, the boom boy (that is gonna be tricky! :P ), crafty, wardrobe, all post-pro positions such as editing and dubbing....

and then FINALLY, YOU get to be the audience.

Then maybe you'll know how it feels.

[I'll be awaiting my settlement check for the money I spent on cheap alcohol which your annoying projects forced me to imbibe until I lost at least 2 out of my 5 senses.]

Thank You.