Wednesday, September 30, 2009


[For the record, I am at a point in my life where babies are cute, but one better not be coming out from me anytime soon. However, the prospect of children is fairly tempting when I think of fun ways I could mold the little humans. Most of these parenting techniques are probably illegal, which is why they stay on the internet and not in practice. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the first installment, undoubtedly of many, of How I'm Going to Eff With My Future Offspring.]

When I have my first baby, I plan on creating a soundless world. That is, aside from the hospital, I will rid our environment of sound entirely. We will not speak, television will be watched on mute, and baby will not leave the house. Given the difficulty of muting ones world, I only intend to keep this up for about 2 weeks, and then, one day, when my baby is awake and in a seemingly good mood, I am going to smile, look it straight in the eyes, and yell BOO! If all goes as plan, this will spark a brriiiillliiannt reaction. Baby surprise faces are funny! We've all seen a baby eat a lemon or something for the first time, and watched the silly faces they make! Imagine something of this scale! Maybe I'll feed it a lemon right before, and then as it takes in the taste, yell "LEMON!". That would be a double whammy of hilarity. That infant will NOT see that coming!

*All of this will be recorded, of course, and placed on the internet, making my child a viral star and inevitably appearing on such shows as Ellen and Oprah...perhaps Dr. Oz if the ears don't react well to the surprise. Anyways, point being, the experiment with turn into a cash cow, and my child's college will be paid for by it, and the kid'll forget it by the time it learns to talk. Winwinwin.

This has been the first installment of How I'm Going to Eff With my Future Offspring.
You're welcome.