Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Panties Pennies

The shitty thing about living with people you don't know and don't interact with is that you just have to take the initiative and declare that you're allowed to leave your room without pants on.

I don't want to be that roommate, but for the love of god, I'm paying $800 for an apartment without air-conditioning. I reserve the right to not have to layer to get a snack or go to the bathroom.

This is by far one of the hardest parts of growing up.

As a child, I was one of 4 girls. No brothers. You pee with the door open, and you get terrible wedgies that ruin your hand me down Hanes.

Also, please understand that the people I lived with in college saw me partially clothed more often than fully accoutred. Not because we were some nudist colony, but we did theatre, so if it wasn't lounging around in PJs in our apartment hungover on a Sunday, it was dance class, or costuming for a show. If you're looking for an abundance of nude strangers, become a fine art major.

I was lucky enough to live with girls and boys. And it takes effort to consciously consider the feeling of others when it comes to underwear etiquette.

I'll stop frolicking around in my skivvies when I get caught, but for future reference, I'm only living with people I know, or gay males....who like plus sized women.

P.S. This post is dedicated to Ryan Fitzgerald & Chris Allen, and Ryan's Space Jam quilt. I miss you boys.

Monday, July 12, 2010

H & Ehm?

Well H&M, your marketing scheme is working like a charm.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, "Fashion Against AIDS".

I wouldn't even have the most protected of sex with anyone wearing this.
AIDS avoided.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Well, my flight has been moved to Friday, landing me in England Saturday morning...I'm just glad I'm not the first flight across. Nobody likes a 9hr anxiety attack.

While I was meant to be doing 10,000 other important things, I procrastinated & created this photo-installment of current events....

....with ANIMALS!

Yoouuuuu'rrreeee weeellccoommme!!!!


Friday, April 16, 2010

Honey Nut Pip Pip Cheerio

So I move to London in about 3.5 days, and I am going to write a book of my travels whilst I am there. (Lie.)

Chapter One: How to Make Friends in England

When departing after making a new acquaintance, tell them to "Send an owl." if they want to hang out later.

A few years ago some movies came out called Harry Potter, which make British people synonymous with wizards. They will appreciate the knowledge of their culture, history, and colloquialisms.


Friday, February 19, 2010


As Spring Break slowly approaches (I think. Since I left school I have no sense of time), the amusement parks around San Antonio are pushing their season passes like crazy.
I can't blame them. If the rest of the area is like my family was when we first moved here, thousands of people will pay over $100 to buy a pass and use it maybe once or twice before you realize that long lines & wave pools waiting to be pooped in & infect you with ecoli in 100+degree weather, just ain't worth it. So it's a great money maker...
I have no qualms with their will to profit, HOWEVER I refuse to stand for false advertising.
The most recent Sea World ad is narrated by a young lad of 8 or 9 yrs. summarizing his magical day at the park, starting at & returning to sitting in the splash zone at the Shamu show. He ends the spiel telling you how much fun you'll have etc. etc.

THE TRUTH?: Do NOT sit in the splash zone unless you want to get soaked & spend the rest of your day chafing and smelling like you bathed in a giant tub of vaginas and whale pee.

Unfortunately I speak from experience. After I graduated from high school, we took some out of town guests there & started our day with the show, in the splash zone. While the show was great (those animals, while possibly tortured, are excellent performers), we forgot that the water we were about to get splash with it fuh-ooooolll of whale pee, poo, and meal leftovers. Well long story short, in the 100 degree weather we spent the rest of the day squishing around the park, damp & reeking.

So unless you have set time aside for at least 3 showers per splash zone-e to remove the algee and shame, I highly suggest you sit way up top. You won't miss a thing.

I also suggest you see the sea-lion show. A HUGE fat walrus comes out during it and does sit ups. For . REAL.



Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Official "Hoarders" Drinking Game

- Take a shot of Arbor Mist for every cat you see.
- Take a shot of Creme de Menthe for every inhabitant who has Asthma.
- Take a shot of Jaeger for every woman with a beard.
- Take a shot of Gold Schlager for every stuffed animal you see that could've been won at your school's carnival.
- Take a sip of Lone Star Beer for every adult child living in the house. Two if they are over 35.
- Take a shot of Malibu every time the hoarder digs something out of the trash when the doctors aren't looking.
- Take a shot of Everclear every time a child under 17 is interviewed & talks about how they can't have friends over.
- Take a shot of Bailey's for every person who is morbidly obese with at least one disease (asthma doesn't count, see above)
- Take a shot of absinthe every time someone trips on clutter.
- Dunk your head in a bowl of milk for every time you see a maggot or roach.
- Take a shot of Wild Turkey for every taxidermied animal seen in a house.
- Take a shot of champagne every time the CPS, APS or other gov't agency condemn the house.
- Take a shot of sour mix every time you see food that never made it to the fridge.
- Take a shot of bourbon for every mold or termite infestation discovered.
- Take a shot of Watermelon Smirnoff for every clean up crew that's lead by a man who is an alpha male, but also a huge diva.
- Take a shot of chewing tobacco for ever weapon a homeowner "collects"
- Take a shot of gin for every clean up crew lead by a woman who may be on her period for the 1,578 day in a row.
- Take a sip of turpentine if the only reason you're watching Hoarders is because you can't find the remote & fear it may be lost some where in your pile of cats.

And if you are a true champ, keep all of your empty bottles & start a collection every week. Surely you can resell them for double the initial pricing in a few years!!!


Friday, February 12, 2010

Call me callous but...

My appreciation/knowledge of a fashion designer is directly correlated to his/her line at Wal-Mart or Target.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

A week of Mondays

[For the record, I am currently being serenaded by Melissa Etheridge's 1993 opus "Come To My Window". Thank God for TV radio. That's being said, allow me to pull my asshole out of my heart & get real.]

It's "Doppelganger Week" on Facebook!!!

You'll know this because a large amount of your friends have changed their profile pictures to that of a prettier, richer and greater accomplished human being whom they've been told by one or more persons after a few drinks that they resemble.

I simply can't bring myself to participate. I don't want to put a picture of a famous person who looks like me because I have every intention of making a name/face for myself. I'm gonna be stuck with this specific face (at least in this economy) , so let's not look at a prettier one for 7 days.

It just makes me feel bad when I see Robert Pattinson on my wall and I have to think,
"Wait, I'm not friends with him. Oh that's just my friend Bob who think he looks like him. Bob is not nearly that attractive. I've got to avoid talking to him for the next week so he doesn't bring up his skewered self image."

My friends are beautiful, talented, and kind, if I wasn't gonna hang with you because you have a jacked up face, you'd know it by now.

Nota bene: I've been brooding on this post for a few days, and after actually writing it, I'm pretty sure if I pooped and then wiped my butt with internet toilet paper, it would look & smell just as shitty as this. Oh well.

You don't look like a heart throb from the 50s, but you do have a fairly decent soul; so post that shit on facebook, and let the famous people feel ugly for a little bit.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


[I wish I could tell people that I feel like I am at the start of something new & great without sounding like some mid ball-dropping High School Musical pansy.

If the reference eludes you, you have lived so much better than me since 2006. ]

I've gotten in the habit of staying up until 2a.m. central time so I can play the new daily Trivial Pursiut quiz online the second it comes out. One of many signs that I am an old woman. So, if your grandaddy's got a trust fund, & is looking for someone to pre-chew his jell-o, hollah atcha gurl. I play a mean "Yell the answer at the television" Wheel of Fortune!

-Ro ( although I heard Rosie O'Donnell refer to herself as Ro this maybe I'll switch to Ros...whatever, that has Birkenstock written all over it.)