Friday, February 19, 2010


As Spring Break slowly approaches (I think. Since I left school I have no sense of time), the amusement parks around San Antonio are pushing their season passes like crazy.
I can't blame them. If the rest of the area is like my family was when we first moved here, thousands of people will pay over $100 to buy a pass and use it maybe once or twice before you realize that long lines & wave pools waiting to be pooped in & infect you with ecoli in 100+degree weather, just ain't worth it. So it's a great money maker...
I have no qualms with their will to profit, HOWEVER I refuse to stand for false advertising.
The most recent Sea World ad is narrated by a young lad of 8 or 9 yrs. summarizing his magical day at the park, starting at & returning to sitting in the splash zone at the Shamu show. He ends the spiel telling you how much fun you'll have etc. etc.

THE TRUTH?: Do NOT sit in the splash zone unless you want to get soaked & spend the rest of your day chafing and smelling like you bathed in a giant tub of vaginas and whale pee.

Unfortunately I speak from experience. After I graduated from high school, we took some out of town guests there & started our day with the show, in the splash zone. While the show was great (those animals, while possibly tortured, are excellent performers), we forgot that the water we were about to get splash with it fuh-ooooolll of whale pee, poo, and meal leftovers. Well long story short, in the 100 degree weather we spent the rest of the day squishing around the park, damp & reeking.

So unless you have set time aside for at least 3 showers per splash zone-e to remove the algee and shame, I highly suggest you sit way up top. You won't miss a thing.

I also suggest you see the sea-lion show. A HUGE fat walrus comes out during it and does sit ups. For . REAL.



Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Official "Hoarders" Drinking Game

- Take a shot of Arbor Mist for every cat you see.
- Take a shot of Creme de Menthe for every inhabitant who has Asthma.
- Take a shot of Jaeger for every woman with a beard.
- Take a shot of Gold Schlager for every stuffed animal you see that could've been won at your school's carnival.
- Take a sip of Lone Star Beer for every adult child living in the house. Two if they are over 35.
- Take a shot of Malibu every time the hoarder digs something out of the trash when the doctors aren't looking.
- Take a shot of Everclear every time a child under 17 is interviewed & talks about how they can't have friends over.
- Take a shot of Bailey's for every person who is morbidly obese with at least one disease (asthma doesn't count, see above)
- Take a shot of absinthe every time someone trips on clutter.
- Dunk your head in a bowl of milk for every time you see a maggot or roach.
- Take a shot of Wild Turkey for every taxidermied animal seen in a house.
- Take a shot of champagne every time the CPS, APS or other gov't agency condemn the house.
- Take a shot of sour mix every time you see food that never made it to the fridge.
- Take a shot of bourbon for every mold or termite infestation discovered.
- Take a shot of Watermelon Smirnoff for every clean up crew that's lead by a man who is an alpha male, but also a huge diva.
- Take a shot of chewing tobacco for ever weapon a homeowner "collects"
- Take a shot of gin for every clean up crew lead by a woman who may be on her period for the 1,578 day in a row.
- Take a sip of turpentine if the only reason you're watching Hoarders is because you can't find the remote & fear it may be lost some where in your pile of cats.

And if you are a true champ, keep all of your empty bottles & start a collection every week. Surely you can resell them for double the initial pricing in a few years!!!


Friday, February 12, 2010

Call me callous but...

My appreciation/knowledge of a fashion designer is directly correlated to his/her line at Wal-Mart or Target.